One of the biggest things I’ve ever had to forgive was the perceived betrayal and abandonment of a former lover. We had been together for years, simultaneously wounding, vicariously living in and off of each other’s misery. Him unable to forgive me. Me unable to forgive myself and therefore willing to spend a lifetime trying to prove I was worthy of his love and forgiveness. Hoping and believing in the possibility of the life of my dreams…living a nightmare. To say I was devastated when we “mutually” decided to split is an understatement. The break-up and his subsequent entrance into another relationship shortly thereafter the ending of ours left me feeling raw, abandoned and abused. I couldn’t see clearly and was being consumed by anger, hurt and resentment from the inside out.
I’m not sure how I stumbled upon the thought that I needed to forgive him or if I even believed in the idea of forgiveness, but I’m fairly certain I rejected the idea initially. At that time, me forgiving him seemed like not just a concession, but an exoneration of guilt. It was as if I was saying he’d done nothing wrong which in my mind was the farthest thing from the truth. To me, forgiving him was no casual gesture. It was unlike the letting go of someone stepping on my new white tennis shoes or cutting me off in traffic. Honestly, I can’t say that these things even qualify as forgiveness. No. This was in my mind a deliberate hurt and pain inflicted at the hand of another and therefore qualifying as unforgivable.
It wasn’t until sometime later I understood why I needed to forgive.
During the time that I was going through this transition, Iyanla Vanzant had a popular show called “Fix My Life” and she had coined the phrase, “I did the work”. I remember thinking to myself, “what is the work?” unknowing that part of what she was referring to was her work around forgiveness. As I continued to suffer in the pain of the aftermath of this experience, not knowing where to go or what to do, the idea of forgiving him struck me again…this time I listened.
I wish I could say the path of forgiveness for me was a straight line. It wasn’t. Like many others, at the time I believed life was linear, meaning, you have a hurt, you address the hurt, you fix the hurt, life is ok, and you keep on living. What I came to realize through this and other experiences is that forgiveness like life is a process that requires us to repeat somethings again, and again and again. That in order to truly heal instead of cope, that I could not just forgive once but I would have to forgive over and over until the feelings of hurt and resentment were replaced with what is perhaps most commonly considered agape love.
As I begin to “do the work” hurts that I hadn’t realized existed began to surface. The grievance between myself and an old acquaintance, the disappointment from old workplace drama, the carnage from unresolved childhood wounds. I began to realize that the work of forgiving him involved not just forgiving him but as well myself and others that I believed and had forgotten had done me wrong over the years. As I deliberately begin to identify and employ specific tools, methods and techniques to forgive, I saw myself begin to transform and what were slated to be the most difficult times of my life became the fullest and most enriching season yet.
Through consistent effort and a commitment to healing I began to do just that…heal. Today forgiveness is a part of my daily wellness routine and I continue to learn ways to expand upon and add to my existing practice. Through the practice of forgiveness, I’ve been able to heal and love myself better.
What do you need to forgive?